I´ve meditated regularly for some time now. One of the reasons I started meditating in the first place was the feeling that I was running away from my life. Not in some dramatic way. More like the way we all do it.
Living inside my head, my plans, my next step, my next project, the meal tonight, the vacation for the summer, the next paycheck. Living in the "When I complete this project I´m going to relax," "When I get my EP out I´m going to be happy" and so on.
As if the present moment was never really good enough, big enough, interesting enough. Like - hellooo, where are the fireworks, baby? There were always something around the corner looking better, cooler and more exciting to me.
Since I´ve also been living a lot with physical pain it was kind of natural to want to run away from whatever was hurting. It was in the process of healing my body I realized that being present with whatever was going on (the good, the bad, the ugly), was actually the path to freedom.
So I got back to having a meditation practice after a long break to catch up with myself and to see what was going on in my life. And in my practice, I got more and more clear about that all we have is now.
Like pearls on a necklace, our lives are made of small pearls of different now. We can choose to be present with these pearls, or we can be up in our heads, in our plans, our worries, and our regrets.
But all we have is really now. There´s no guarantees for anything (insert shocked smiley and a WTF if you want but this is the hard truth)
I think in certain extreme situations in our lives this can become crystal clear.
When my father died a year and a half ago, I realized that all I felt for him was love. When I sat with him in his kitchen the last week of his life, holding his hand and talking, I felt closer to him than ever. He spoke a little about that he might not have taken the greatest responsibility as a father and in many ways maybe he didn´t. But he was always loving, fun and generous with me.
I never once doubted that he loved me.
In sickness and with the knowledge that my father was dying many things and worries seemed so small. All that mattered at that moment was to be together. To be by his side as much as I could. And still, that is all I wish for even now. Just one little moment or coffee with him is what I long for today. To laugh and tell each other funny stories again would mean the world to me.
So I try to remember that now, with the people I have in my life. To forgive, to look for what I Iove about them, to enjoy those coffees, conversations and little things that become days and weeks and months. Especially with the kids, who seem to be growing up way too fast. So what if their rooms are messy or they look at their screens a little too much (who doesn´t anyway!). As long as we have fun, they feel loved, and we collect pearls and moments when I´m present with them. Not in my head or on Facebook. Like with them, for real.
I want to listen to them, hear what they have to say, what they like, what they worry about and what their dreams are. Eat pizza, drink sodas, show them beautiful places in the world, go to the movies, have a picnic, go swimming and have interesting talks at the breakfast table.
And now and then even tell them to get off that screen and clean up the mess in their rooms.
Lots of love,